To Mom

Dearest Mom,

I know you are wondering why am writing to you when I can simply call. Well it’s because there are things I can’t speak on call or face to face. I can’t let you see me like this.

Do you remember you told me that am beautiful and intelligent and also that it’s a rare combination. You also said that the man of my life would be the luckiest to have me?

Do you remember , one day, we were up till dawn talking and I told you that how people come and leave. I told you that am scared. I have trust issues and I believe love is not for me. You kissed my forehead , pulled me closer and asked why do I think like that? I told you that everyone can’t be lucky in all the things. If Almighty gives us everything, we will Not learn how to be grateful and would become arrogant. And here I have everything one dreams of . The only thing I don’t have its that one special love. So I guess it’s cool.

You held my hand and asked me to listen to you carefully. You told me that you get what you wish. You become what you think you’re. You asked me to be positive and think you’re lovable, because I am. You told me not to give up on love and not to be hopeless.

I cried that night. I thanked Almighty that what the hell did I do that you have me such an incredible mom.

Following your words, I locked up the negativity and hopelessness as I opened the door for love,again. It came. Made me happy. Somehow gave me dreams and hopes. And one morning, all of a sudden,it bid bye. It said it’s unsure about me. 

Mom, it’s hard. It really is. I am fine being not loved. Because I have you, dad, sis and bro. I have my best friends. But Mom, this feeling of loved a lot and all of a sudden unloved – this breaks me. It breaks me so hard that am now a pro faking that am fine.  I feel like somebody took me to the highest peak , we appreciated nature and it’s beauty and I was pushed from the edge. I feel exactly like that.

Mom, why can’t people think about others ? Why can’t they not say things they don’t mean? And mom , why do I believe every word? 

I know am stronger, really stronger. I know I will get over it, sooner or later. I will learn more not to believe every word people say. I will learn again not to become blind when people would talk soft.

But mom, I miss the old me. The innocent me. The one who was oblivious of the bads in the world, the one who knew love is pure and beautiful. The one who wanted to be like you – giving, kind, loving , honest and trustworthy.

I may change for the good, mom. I may not believe in love . But you still give me hope and I don’t want to give up on that.

I love you the most.

See you.